From The Federalist:
Leftists are masters of rewriting history. But those pesky old Ten
Commandments are engraved so many places (such as on the walls of the
Supreme Court) that they can't be erased from history. So the Left is
endeavoring to do the next best thing -- alter the meaning of the
original commandments. Thus, in Brief 01-19, we have asked our adroit
readers to give us the Left's redefinitions. Below are the top three
for each, with some honorable mentions. (And, with all the excellent
submissions, these were hard to pick!)
1. Original: I am the Lord thy God; thou shalt have no other gods
before Me.
**We are the Left thy State, thou shalt not have God.
**I am the Central Overlord thy Government, who brought thee out of
land of Self-Reliance, and into the Rolls of Entitlement. Thou shalt
have no god before me, except, perhaps, the United Nations.
**Thou shalt have no other gods before the government, for the
government is your god, and it only shalt thou serve.
**You shall have no God outside your home or place of worship.
**Thou shalt not have any gods before Me, unless you are in the
"entertainment industry."
2. Original: Thou shalt not bow down before any graven image.
**Thou shalt not make any graven images, unless you cover them in
dung, put them in a jar of urine, and call them "art."
**Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, except, of course,
for the eco-theologists.
**You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in
heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below without
first acquiring a permit, license and paying a large fee.
**Thou shalt make no graven image of anything in heaven or on earth,
except Hollywood glitterati.
3. Original: Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.
**There are plenty of other words that can be used!
**Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain, unless it
has artistic content.
**Thou shalt not use the State's name in vain.
**You shall not use the name of the LORD in public, for the ACLU will
not hold him guiltless who uses His name in public.
**Thou shalt not use the name of Christ in public, nor utter
accusations against thy Government.
4. Original: Remember the Sabbath day, and keep it holy.
**Remember the Tax Day by keeping it holy; 365 days you shall labor
and do all your work, but April 15th is a Tax Day to the LORD your
Government. On it you shall not keep your money, neither you, nor your
son or daughter, nor your manservant or maidservant, nor your animals,
nor the alien within your gates.
**Remember the Sabbath to keep it holy -- unless Monica is waiting
upstairs.
**Remember Earth Day, to keep it holy. On this day you shall worship
the earth and shall plant trees. You shall perpetuate the myths of the
environmental lobby, and shall subsidize the EPA.
**Remember that thou keep holy the Sabbath day, unless you've got
something better to do.
**Remember that thou keep holy the Sabbath day, but only if you are
the running mate in a presidential election.
5. Original: Honor thy Father and thy Mother.
**Honor thy Father Federal Government and thy Mother Earth.
**Honor thy father and mother...unless they discipline you, in which
case give us a call at 1-800-VILLAGE and we'll raise you.
**Thou shalt honor thy two daddies, two mommies, or mommy/daddy and
her/his/its transgendered life partner, or thy day care provider. Thou
need not honor thy father and mother, if thou art entrapped in the
oppressive, unnatural, so-called "normal" two-parent household.
**Honor thy Mother and Father ... until they can no longer care for
themselves. Then ship them to the Netherlands for proper disposal.
**Do not honor your father under any circumstances. Your father is a
man, and is therefore scum. Honor your mother only if she believes in
abortion on demand, that the Kyoto treaty should be approved, higher
taxes for anyone making over $50,000 a year, and that homemakers are
losers.
6. Original: Thou shalt not murder.
**...Unless it is for humanitarian reasons, or an unborn child, but
thou shalt never kill criminals or animals.
**Thou shalt not kill -- unless it be Constitutional freedoms.
**Thou shalt not lift a finger to defend yourself, your family, or
your community.
**...However exceptions can be made for certain liberal Senators from
Massachusetts driving drunk over a bridge while cruising with a sweet
young thing.
7. Original: Thou shalt not steal.
**...Unless you are the IRS or an elected politician. Thou shalt then
consider thyself a public servant, redistributing the wealth in a more
reasonable fashion, to ensure your employment or re-election.
**Thou shalt tax.
**Thou shalt force employers to withhold.
**Thou shalt elect us to office, and we shall steal for you. We shall
steal from everyone who has more than you. We shall steal from you
also, but more from them. When you die, we shall steal even more.
**...The proper term shall be "a contribution," "revenue enhancement,"
and it shall be done in the name of "The Children."
8. Original: Thou shalt not commit adultery.
**Thou shalt not commit monogamy.
**Thou shalt not admit adultery.
**...But if thou doest, then wag thy finger and deny everything.
**...But if it's oral it ain't immoral.
9. Original: Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
**...Unless it be to thine personal or political advantage. Besides,
it all depends on what the meaning of "is" is.
**...Unless he is a conservative, neo-puritan, right-wing, gun-loving,
home-schooling, traditional family, Bible-toting Christian.
**...But rather obfuscate, stonewall, and create new meanings for
words in the English language.
**...Thou shalt get others to do it for you.
**...Unless, however, the common good outweighs the truthfulness of
the message. Exemptions shall automatically be given for arsenic in
water, "big" anything, and global warming.
10. Original: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods.
**...The government shall do that for you, and shall take and give you
a portion.
**Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's Lexus. That is Tom Daschle's
job.
**Thou shalt not covet thine own paycheck (thou bourgeois pigs), or
thy house, or thy property or thy children, for they now belong to thy
Federal government.
**...It's easier to turn him in to the IRS on suspected tax evasion,
have his house seized for back taxes, and buy it outright at auction
for 1/10th its market value.
**...Unless through bogus drug raids you can seize those goods to pay
for items on police officials' wish lists.
Addenda:
**There is really only ONE commandment: "Thou shall not get caught."
And always remember: These are only the "Ten Suggestions"!
