On the Left...
From the "Je$$e Ja¢k$on" Files, Reverend Shakedown is at it again,
this time threatening a boycott of Toyota because it published an ad
featuring a "tooth art" close-up -- a front tooth with the image of a
Toyota RAV4 on it, which Je$$e claims is "racist." "The only thing
missing is the watermelon," Ja¢k$on rants. (We suppose the ad is an
insult to those who imbed their front teeth with stars, diamonds and
all manner of foreign objects.)
Memo to Toyota: Make your high six-figure check payable to
"Rainbow/PUSH"!
The "Dumb and Dumber" Department...
A nationwide drive to abolish the game of dodgeball in government
schools is underway. "Anytime you throw an object at somebody it
creates an environment of retaliation and resentment," said Thomas
Murphy, a Boston, Massachusetts, PE instructor. "There is nothing
positive that can happen except a bully gets to beat up on little
kids." Buxton, Maine, PE instructor MaryEllen Schaper adds, "Where
else in real life can you throw something at someone with the
intention of hitting them and eliminating them?"
UPRIGHT....
"Vermont's Jim Jeffords is the RuPaul of American politics. For over
two decades, Jeffords has been a reliable liberal dressed up as a
Republican." --Mark Levin ++ "Ted Kennedy was finding it difficult
to reach agreement with the White House because Jeffords kept pulling
him to the left." --National Review Online ++ "We do look forward to
seeing Democrats in the Senate transition themselves from nay-sayers
and obstructionists to a majority that actually has to lead and
legislate." --Rep. J.C. Watts
LEFTOVERS.....
This week's "Leftpinkie" Award: "It's good for young people to be
angry about something." --Bill Clinton after he was egged in Poland.
**What a waste of an egg! Clinton was never good at dodgeball! {}
This week's "Homo Leftus Americanus" Award: "The disbelief just got
bigger and bigger. As the minutes went by and the hours, it became
abundantly clear that this has nothing to do with an economic policy.
This is nothing but a big tax cut." --Ms. Rodham-Clinton {} This
week's "Periplaneta Americana" Award: "If someone is so fearful that,
that they're going to start using their weapons to protect their
rights, makes me very nervous that these people have these weapons at
all!" --Rep. Henry Waxman.....
From the "Village Academic
Curriculum" File: Five 13-year old boys from Evans Middle School in
the nation's capitol were strip-searched by corrections officers while
touring the city's Southeast jail last week. The girls on the tour
were only handcuffed and shackled. Apparently the two teachers leading
the group decided that it would "scare the kids straight" if the
guards put the kids through the same strip-search routine as convicts
undergo. The youngsters were stripped in full view of inmates in
nearby holding cells. "I'm appalled. I could not believe that kids
would be subjected to any strip-search procedure in the jail," said
Odie Washington, chief of the District's corrections department. (No
word yet on what promotion the teachers will receive.)
Night Lines:......
Leno.... Former Vice President Al Gore and former Tennessee Governor
Lamar Alexander are going to conduct a one day seminar at Vanderbilt
University this summer. Al Gore and Lamar Alexander? That's like using
Nyquil and Tylenol P.M. at the same time. Did you know that when both
of these men are in the same room together they create negative
charisma? .... The Reverend Al Sharpton says he plans to run for
president in 2004. Finally a Democrat that can restore honesty and
dignity to the White House! He'll be running against Gore for the
Democrats. So what we have are two chubby guys named Al. .... Former
Attorney General Janet Reno says she may run for Governor of Florida
against Jeb Bush. She's already tired of her new job of being the
Jolly Green Giant at kids' birthday parties. Her campaign slogan: "I'm
the best man for the job!" [How about] "Built Ram Tough!" .... Jim
Jeffords was described as a liberal Republican. You know what that is?
It's when you believe in the death penalty but think the electric
chair should be solar powered.
Letterman......
James Jeffords, Senator from Vermont, is going to switch
political parties. This isn't unusual of Senators to switch parties.
Just last night Ted Kennedy switched from a party at Bennigans to a
party over at Houlihans! .... Former Attorney Janet Reno says she
might run for Governor of Florida. She is so unpopular there they
won't have to use the crooked voting machines! .... Back in the
news, Monica Lewinsky. She wants her stained dress back. I guess all
her other stained dresses are now too tight! .... Last night was the
season finale to "The Sopranos." Jackie Junior got murdered on the
show. He got murdered after having dinner at an Italian restaurant
with Robert Blake. Now the only other wacky Italian soap opera in New
York City is the Giulianis! .... Are you following the story with
Mayor Guliani? It's like a bad episode of "Three's Company." His wife
has banned his mistress from the house. I'm thinking to myself, his
only hope now is to become President. .... O.J. Simpson has given
advice to Robert Blake. He told Blake not to take a lie detector test,
watch T.V. and to find a gullible jury. O.J. says he knows how Blake
feels....guilty?!
