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Good Cop story

The police department in the small hill country town of Kerrville, Texas, reported finding a man's body last Saturday, in the early evening, in the Pedernales River near the state highway-87 bridge. The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Fredericksburg. When he was found, he was wearing black fishnet stockings, 10 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzel dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2 inch false eyelashes, and a Biden T-shirt.

The police removed the Biden T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

The Police do care.

Why does a chicken coupe only have 2 doors?

If it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.

Today my son told me that his ear hurts. I asked him if it's on the inside or outside. He stepped out the door and the back in and said both. I wonder if I'm saving too much for college.

Groaner warning.....

For centuries, three kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of a lake.

One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons.

The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner.

The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.

The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.

And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

^^^ That's really F'ed up, but funny.

Yeah abortion jokes are difficult. It's the delivery, I think...

Wait. There is no delivery.

Lord, I apologize...

A blonde wanted to try out ice fishing. She went out and purchased all the gear she would need and headed to a local spot to try to catch some fish.
She went out onto the ice with her gear and after getting comfy on the stool, she started to cut a circular hole in the ice as she had seen on the internet. As she was cutting, she heard a voice from the heavens speak out, saying, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde was startled. She stood up and looked around but saw no one. Cautiously, she moved a little further out onto the ice and set up in a different spot. She sipped some hot chocolate from her thermos and then started cutting another hole. Again, the voice called out, seemingly from all around her.
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"
Now feeling quite scared and starting to get a bit frustrated, she moved all the way to the far end of the ice and laid out all her gear, sat upon her stool and started cutting another hole. Right away, the heavenly voice boomed out, this time louder than ever, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!".
She jumped off her stool and looked all around her. She shouted to the heavens, "IS THAT YOU, LORD?"
The voice answered, "NO. THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE SKATING RINK. THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

So, years ago I met a talking donkey penned up behind a bar. I convinced him a gopher hole was donkey ****. It was rather mean on my part; he was just a dumb ass.

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, “Do you know what I use this for?”
The navigator replied timidly, “No, what’s it for?”
The pilot responded, “I use this on navigators who get me lost!”
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, “What’s that for?”
“To be honest sir,” the navigator replied, “I’ll know we’re lost before you will.”

A thief entered a house late one afternoon.

He tied up the woman and at knife point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.

The man started sobbing and said,

– You can take anything you want. But please untie the rope and free her!

Thief: –You must really love your wife!

Man: –Not particularly, but she will be coming home shortly!

Arguing with a woman is like reading the software agreement... you're going to ignore everything and just agree.

My friend got fired from his job as a bingo caller...

Apparently it is inappropriate to call out "meal for 2 with a hairy view" for 69.

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox that said I can have sex at 73. I'm so happy because I live at number 71. So it's not too far to walk home afterwards. AND it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road!

Why did Bloody cross the road..??

last night I dreamed I was a vinyl record...


















I woke up feeling groovy.

They should make an alarm that sounds like a dog about ready to puke. Nothing gets you out of bed quicker.

OBG....
My future wife has an equally stunning younger sister. One day while sitting on the couch, she cozied up to me and asked if I would like to go up to her room and fool around before her family returned. I told her I would need a stiff drink and a moment to think about it. When she headed for the liquor cabinet, I headed out the front door, only to be greeted by the rest of the family, my future wife included. Needless to say, I was welcomed into the family with open arms.

Moral of the story: always keep the condoms in your glovebox.

Koi fish always school in groups of four.

If attacked, Koi A, B, And C scatter, leaving behind the D Koi.


======================================

I saw a one legged man at the ATM.



He was checking his balance.

dad joke.....

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, “Where is everybody?”
The bartender replies, “They’ve gone to the hanging.”
“Hanging? Who are they hanging?”
“Brown Paper Pete”, the bartender replied.
“What kind of a name is that?” the cowboy asked.
“Well,” says the bartender, “He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers, and brown paper shoes.”
“How bizarre,” said the cowboy. “What are they hanging him for?”
“Rustling,” said the bartender.

Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other
is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some
sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people
sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the
water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers
relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their
magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too
late and we're all gonna die."

Fly funny!