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Two good ones..........

Unless you fell on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.

True!

Orgasms are one of the healthiest forms of stress release. So when I tell you to go fuck yourself, it's because I care.

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.

One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I was taking it out or putting it away."

The second lady said, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs, and I can't remember whether I was on my up, or on my way down."

The third lady chimed in, "Well, I'm glad I don't have those problems. Knock on wood."

With that, she rapped her knuckles on the table, then said,

"That must be the door. I'll get it."

An oldy but a goody:

A lady was going through the arrangements for her deceased Husband and the funeral director had her come in to approve of the arrangment and the prep they had done for the viewing. She said everything was great except her Husband really wouldn't have liked the blue pinstripe suit they had put him in and she asked if it was possible to change it.



The director said he would look into it and let her know. After a few days the director called her back and told her he thought he found what she wanted and to come have a look. When she saw the new suit, she was very pleased and wanted to make sure that the director was paid for such a nice grey pinstripe suit.



The director told her not to worry as things worked out fine and he wouldn't accept any more money. The lady insisted since it obvious that the suit was a very expensive one and she wouldn't feel right otherwise.



The director told her "Please it's not needed. We had another customer that really wanted her Husband in a blue pinstripe suit, so it all worked out fine. We just switched the heads".

The Ole story reminded me of this one:

Three crusty old miners shared a claim, working it hard from sunrise to sunset. When they got home at night there was always an argument over who would make dinner. They were all exhausted at this point, and none of them had an aptitude for this kind of ‘women’s work’. After many contentious meals, they decided to draw straws, and the loser would take on the reviled task. The miner who picked the short straw was incensed. “Okay!”, he laid down the law. “I’ll be cook if I have to, but if I hear ONE WORD OF COMPLAINT about my cooking that will be the last meal I ever make for the likes of you!”

And so it was agreed. They took him at his word.

The following day, as it neared sunset, their new cook trudged back to the cabin and made his first meal. It was terrible. He had done his best, but with no training in the subject whatsoever, he had no idea what he was doing. He hated making it and they all hated eating it. Yet bearing his warning in mind- not a word was said.

The following day the process was repeated, except that the meal was even worse. They grimaced and shook their heads and swallowed hard with big gulps of water before their tongues could taste the dreadful muck. Still, no one complained. As bad as the food was, it was better than having to make it themselves.

With each passing day the cook grew more miserable at his post, and as a result, they all suffered at suppertime. Finally, he decided to force them to complain and liberate him from this loathsome job. So, on his way home from the claim, he took a detour through the wood, coming out with the biggest, freshest moose turd he could find. Plopping it into the cook pot, he put it on the fire and used it to make filling for a two big, steaming pies. When the other miners came home they were at once assaulted by the most gut-wrenching stench imaginable. Pinching their noses, they sat down for dinner.

Cook presented each with their own moose turd pie. Hesitantly, they both began to eat. In a few bites, each was filled with the irresistible reflex to spit it all out, right there on the table in front of them!

“Jumpin’ Jehoshaphat!”, swore one.
“Tastes like ****!”, barked the other involuntarily…
“But it’s Good though!”, he quickly added, to Cook’s major disappointment.

2 good ones, both new to me!

I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said to remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

How's it go..??

How God turned a rib into a loudspeaker is still a mystery.

I haven't lost all my marbles yet but there's definitely a small hole in the bag somewhere.

OBG........
Sitting along an Upper Peninsula highway waiting to catch speeders, a Michigan State Police officer saw a car puttering along at 28 M.P.H. He thought to himself, "That car is just as dangerous as a speeder."

So, he turned his lights on and pulled the car over. Approaching the vehicle, he noticed there were 5 elderly ladies, two in the front and 3 in the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver was obviously confused. She said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't going over the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving well under the speed limit can also be dangerous.”

"Under the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 28 miles an hour," the old woman said proudly.

The officer, holding back a chuckle, explained that 28 was the highway route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error.

"Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK? These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time.”
"Oh! they’ll be alright in a minute. We just got off Route 129.”

You're An EXTREME Redneck When



1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

18. Popping the hood involves removing at least two bungee cords.

And in closing…

Two good ol' boys in a trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant. After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"

Guy goes to the doctor the doctor asks him "what's the problem"? Guy says "my a**hole hurts". Doctor asks him, "where at"? Guy says "right around the entrance". Doctor says "I got news for you buddy, as long as you keep referring to that part of your a**hole as an entrance....you're gonna continue to have problems".

Where do bad rainbows go? Prism.

It's a light sentence... and gives them time to reflect.

More good ones.


Some saw this butt: https://cigarbid.freeforums.net/thread/29/plug-base

It is the time of year we statrt eating too many things not good for us. Remember to eat plenty of vegetables.

I recommend extra servings of pumpkin bread, zucchini bread, pumpkin pie, and candy corn.

Also, November is men's health month. A substance called beta-sitosterol is especially beneficial to mens health. It is present in many foods, but an exceptionally rich source is Bourbon.
Choose your source wisely.